VardenMFrias`s Blog

Someone mentioned to me the other day that there are alternate realities and I believe them. Every decision (or lack thereof) creates an alternate universe in which we follow along the decision that we did not make in this reality. If you had to choose between buying a car when you were sixteen or putting off the decision, somewhere in the universe there is a "You" that went ahead and bought the car with all of the ensuing consequences. Whatever the consequences were, good or bad, that version of you is dealing with them at this moment. To that end, there is a Varden somewhere out in the universe blowing his brains out with drugs and holed up in his room because he believed he was an abomination. 

I'm not that Varden. 

This Varden here who has a book published and an author website is not that Varden. He is stronger, healthier, wiser, and more alive. He is determined, agile, and clever. Back then there was a chance I could have taken. I could have stayed in that place where I was just smoking extremely powerful drugs and getting further and further into a little hole I'd created in my head where I could be "safe" fr...

Sometimes writing really sucks. This past week I've been dealing with insurmountable bouts of writer's block which is rare for me. When I write, often I find that even if I start with crap that I will continue on until something good comes along. Now, I've chickened out and can't even start. I fear the consequences of the written word. Will this be good enough for my existing fans? Will it be good enough for me? Instead of losing myself in the process and having fun, I'm delving into something sick and making it feel like this is the most important thing on earth and never let it be itself. As quirky and different as I can make it. These past few months, or years maybe, I've been on autopilot waiting for a beautiful story to come to yank me off my feet and carry me away on its Thunderbird wings off to some distant land filled with inspiration. But I'm left here, trying to rake gems out of the grime. 

It's time I stop that and write something straight out of my gut, no matter how stupid it sounds. What I need to do is sit down at my computer right this moment (or perhaps when this rant is properly finished and published) and typ...

Grief tugs me from behind. Memory dips its tongue in the ether and nudges its chin for me to join. So much has passed and yet so little accomplished. Now, after so long, I'm finally nestling back in and trying to make something of the rich mess mingling inside of my head. There is much to say, may as well get down to it. 

These past eight months have been brutal. A year ago, I was hitting five thousand words a day. Crushing my old self into the dust and smattering any shreds of self-doubt. I was nothing short of the king of my writing land and damned proud, but now I dwindle in this writer's block, afraid to even pen something down for fear that it won't be good enough. It's never stopped me before. Why now, of all times? 

Perhaps the fear of failure lurks again from the depths, ready to snatch me up and play with my form left mangled from bad experiences. But those dog days are over now. Now, I must get back to work like a racehorse. No, not a racehorse. I'd done that before and worked to exhaustion. Now is the time to dance and embrace the workload with villainous mirth. Dive down into the black coils of grit wit...